Domestic Death Eaters
by Evil-Sme-Schizo-Pip
Summary: Imagine pure evil in domestic fights? Tis amusing apparently, so why not write a story about it! Ok, I will, and here it is!
1. Chapter 1

**Chappy 1**

**Note: Set before the time of Harry Potter, when Voldy was in power, and all that jazz. Those who have read 'Callidora and the Dark Lord's Daughter' it has NOTHING to do with that, so push it out of your mind...though you can read and review as much as you like!**

An empty room stood, with a single, long wooden table in the middle, with four comfortable chairs seated around two of the sides. A long sofa stood at the head of the table, with green velvet cushions, a defined arse mark on one half, and a dirt line running through the middle, where the arse mark side had stains and discolour, the other was pristeen green and spotless.

The great oak door to the room opened, and a tall, handsome man swept in. He walked over to the sofa, looked around for anyone else, then hitched up his robes and jumped on the green velvet, bouncing up and down until the door opened again. He reclined swiftly, his head leaning on the arm of the dirty half, and watched a small, nervous looking man sit in a chair at the far end of the table. The man sat with his hands clasped and head bowed, looking at the door from time to time, nervously.

The man on the sofa grinned cheekily. 'In trouble again, Rodolphus?'

Rodolphus nodded, sadly. 'Yes m'lord. I left earlier than she planned…' He chewed on his lip and reverted to staring at his lap.

Lord Voldemort snorted, and rolled onto his back, as yet another person entered the room. This time an elegant woman with silky brown hair tied back in a bun walked over to Voldy. She had a clipboard and a pen.

'Tom, I've had those people killed that you ordered, and you've got to decide whether or not to join forces with the giants. They've contacted me, and-'

'Oh Callie…giants? Really? God, next thing you know we'll be siding with Dementors…'

'Thomas, do you want to take over the world or not?'

Voldy nodded, glumly.

'Well then. I know best, I am your wife. Now get your grubby feet off my sofa!' She whacked his ankles with her clipboard and walked out.

'The name's Voldemort!' he called after her, and rolled his eyes at Rodolphus.

The door slammed open again and a pointy faced, pretty woman with black hair streaming behind her back marched in.

'RODDY! I have told you before, we leave when I say so!' Bellatrix Lestrange clouted her husband round the head and sat down next to him, whispering fiercely in his ear. Voldy chuckled again, and started picking at his nails.

Voices could be heard down the hall, growing ever closer as the last couple entered.

'No, darling, you look fabulous, how about me, is my mascara okay?'

'Well, it's a bit clumpy at the corner ofyour eye, but how's mine?'

'Gorgeous as ever, WAIT, no wait, you have an eyelash.'

'Oh my god, get it off.'

'Yes, I am, I-'

'Get it off, get it OFF!'

'There, gone. Beautiful again.'

'Gosh, I thought it was all over for a second then, oh hello Dark Lord, how are you this morning, quite a lovel-OH MY GOD, Narcissa, I chipped a nail!'

The immaculate white-blond haired couple, Lucius and Narcissa, panicked over the nail for 5 minutes, until Callidora came back in with their emergency fake nail kit. She applied the nail with careful precision, Lucius sweating all the while and Narcissa clinging onto his shoulder, petrified, then they sat at their places opposite Bella. Lucius looked at Callidora with grateful, longing eyes until Narcissa shoved an elbow in his ribs, causing him to readjust the position of the silk scarf round his neck.

Callidora sat on the sofa, and pushed Voldy's legs out of the way, knocking him onto the floor. He got back up, swearing under his breath, and crossed his legs, ready to daydream his way through yet another Death Eater meeting.

'Right.' Said Callie, once she'd finished announcing the news. 'Is there anything you'd like to add?'

Lucius put his hand up immediately. 'These new outfits we're getting, do they come with hat and bag?'

Narcissa butted in. 'Oh yes, and can we customise them?'

Bella scowled. 'There're more important things, Cissy, like killing all the dirty Mudbloods…grrrr' she pound her fist into her palm, anger glowing in her eyes. Roddy gulped and nodded, whilst Bella carried on. 'Not everything revolves around looks you know…'

Cissy and Lucius gasped, wide eyed. 'TAKE THAT BACK!'

'Make me!'

Roddy sighed as they started arguing, until Bella poked him, and he began repeating whatever she said.

Voldy sat there, amused, while Callie sighed and stood up.

'Before hair pulling begins again and I have to bring out the emergency wigs, can you STOP SQUABBLING, for once and focus? Bella, yes yes we all want to kill, and Cissy, Lucius, no there will not be a bag,-' their faces drooped. '-and customising will ruin the effect, but I think I can probably squeeze a hat if you want. Anything else of relevance? Rodolphus?' she smiled sweetly at him.

His eyes widened as he stared at her…'Erm, I, erm…you always talk to me so politely Callie, thank you….er, that's it.' His smile vanished and he stared at his lap again. Bella jabbed him with her wand.

'You big pansy.'

Callie went on. 'Oooook then…Tom, anything to add, as 'chairman'?'

Voldy looked up, having not been listening. 'Half past three?'

'Riiiiight…well, ok then. Meeting adjourned! Good work everybody, can everyone stay behind to clear up the cups and plates in the kitche-oh sugar.'

Everyone had Disapparated.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chappy 2**

Bella dragged her husband into their bedroom once they were back home and shoved him onto the bed.

'What was that about? Ooh, Callie, you're so nice, ooh I love you Callie, I want you…' she hit him with her wand. 'You're pathetic, you know that? You made a fool of both of us!'

She marched up and down in front of him, lecturing him on the ways of the death Eaters.

'You've got to stop this fixation you have with her…she's boring and sensible for goodness sake, and how do you expect the Dark Lord to let us do all the cool, dirty stuff if you're ruttin' on his wife?'

'I'm not rut-'

'Shut up! Do I look like I'm finished? The Dark Lord's biatch said they're coming up with a new plan or something…big news…and I intend to be involved! I will be like totally his favourite…hehe…I even had these made.' She pulled out some leaflets from a drawer of her wardrobe, saying 'GO VOLDY' and 'DEATH EATERS RULE'. Rodolphus picked up one and frowned. There was a detailed picture of Bella torturing a Muggle, which she had made him take. The Muggle was writhing in pain, while Bella had her arm round them, smiling broadly, and pointing.

'Bella, I think you need help…'

She looked up from the Muggle voodoo doll she was ripping the head from. 'Why?'

* * *

Narcissa was filing her nails when Lucius walked in, with one towel wrapped around his waist and another around his head. He gently massaged his hair with the towel before looking at it critically in the full-length mirror of their bedroom.

'I'm thinking of dying my hair, do you think white blonde is out this season? How about black, if we're to have these new outfits?'

'Oh no darling, definitely not, it would completely clash with your delicate skin colour…'

'True, true, oh you know Narcissa these uniforms are all I can think about at the moment, if they don't look just right I will just die!' he ran a finger across his forehead. 'See? I'm sure that wrinkle wasn't there yesterday…they're worry lines Cissy. Oh! Dear! God! What if I have to get botox again? Needles…' he shuddered. 'Ooh, they give me the oogie boogies!'

He padded back into their en suite bathroom, still muttering. Narcissa frowned. She had had botox many times, just to keep up her appearance enough for Lucius to stay with her. She was aging faster than him, the curse of a woman she knew, but if she ever let her guard down and he saw a wrinkle line on her head, he would up and leave her straight away. She needed something to keep him there, but what?

'Lucius, what do you think about getting a pet?'

He stormed out of the bathroom, blusher in hand, looking horrified.

'A pet? One of those things that spread germs and disease, and worse, they RIP UP YOUR CLOTHES! My goodness Narcissa what are you thinking of…though…' he pondered. 'Lord V has a snake doesn't he, and that causes him no trouble…I was talking to him and apparently you only need to feed them like once a week…and you can do that can't you? Ok, if you want a pet so badly, a snake it is.'

He finished applying his blusher and put some mascara on. 'Aren't you putting some make up on Cissy, you look a bit pale.'

'Lucius, we're going to bed.'

'I know, but who knows who you might meet during the night, god Narcissa you really need to start thinking about your appearance more. Goodnight.' He got into bed and slept, leaving Narcissa shaking her head sadly.

* * *

'Tom, can you please, please please put the toilet seat up next time you go? I'm fed up of having to wipe your stains off before I can use it, and while we're on that subject, learn to aim! Only this morning I filled up 3 cloths wiping your mess off the walls.'

Voldy sniggered, pleased with himself, and changed the TV channel. Nothing was on, so he watched a shopping channel.

'Wow, I need to get me a poker table…HEY CALLIE, CAN WE GET A POKER TABLE?'

'No, Tom, we can't. I bought you that snooker table you so badly wanted at Christmas and you never use it.'

'That's because you never want to play, and Lucius got scared when the blue chalk came of on his fingers…'

'Invite Roddy round, then. You and Lucius always leave him out.'

'That's because he's a twat…and you know he lets Bellatrix run his life…she tells him to do everything, it's so funny.'

Callie stared at him, incredulously. 'What do you think goes on here?'

'Yeah but he listens to her.'

Callie clicked her tongue and marched out.


End file.
